The 50 cent salad

I had a wonderfully delightful meal of flavorless spaghetti sauce smeared over noodles of questionable origin and makeup with a hunk of chicken-like meat and a side of "salad," or so the little cash register of an incredibly unfriendly lady at the cafeteria showed. In reality, this "salad" was one piece of withered lettuce/cabbage/lawn weed (it was hard to decide, it was in such sad condition) and a slice of tomato.


As I passed through the line to pick up my central cuisine for the day, I looked at the sign under the main dish and it said said "side dish: 50 cents." Normally, one would assume "side dish" entails something rather substantial, like a few baby potatoes, or rice, or spätzle, or in any case something that requires more than one chomp and a mastication time of 5 seconds before it is completely gone.


I did not see anything that passed such criteria, so I just grabbed my plate and headed to the cash register. A small voice in the back of my head said "that's peculiar. There is no side dish, only this partially-aesthetically pleasing garnish. How tasteful." I should have been much more mistrusting of the German cafeteria system. I arrived and I was charged 50 cents for that dumb piece of lump greenery and slice of tomato. I don't even like tomatoes. A voice inside of me screamed "Injustice!," but my outward facade probably made only an unpleased wrinkle of the nose. I turned the other cheek and sat down, mostly because I was too afraid to argue in German with these rather scary ladies.


That was just the tip of the iceberg (and not of the lettuce variety.) The Germans are very willing to charge you (absurd amounts of) extra just for minute things, like ketchup.

A trip to the restaurant is a game with the waitress. She will ask you if you want and as if you would like french fries or potatoes with your meal. An American would say "Oh! I totally forgot to specify my choice of side dish!" and promptly choose on the spot. An inner voice should say "NO! they're trying to trick you!" As soon as you utter "oh, mashed potatoes would be nice. Thank you for asking," BAM! 4 euros are tacked onto your bill, and you can't really argue because the waitress will move from her clear high-german-for-foreigners to her mother region dialect and you will just become red in the face and fork over the ransom fee. That packet of ketchup she brought out with your Wiener Schnitzel? You had better not open it, otherwise BAM, 30 cents tacked onto your bill. The lovely array of bread placed on your table before your meal comes out? DANGER! It costs anywhere from 3 to 5 euros. Don't touch it! Pretend it's not there! RESIST TEMPTATION!

Ice cream shops are no different. Oh, you want to eat that HERE, on OUR property, at OUR tables, at the restaurant you ordered it from? We have a different, higher price for that. You must leave, even though all of our seats are empty.


The "ha! gotcha!" tax does not apply only to food here. Every venture into the real world is a minefield. The only way to be safe is to not trust anybody and watch the little screen for any funny business. I've seen customers explode at the cashier because they were charged for the bag in which their potatoes were packaged. Response from the cashier? "The bag is not necessary, you can take what you want from the (burlap) bag."


A polite question at the travel center in the train station can add 3 to 8 euros to the price of your trip. One time, I went in to ask if I could get off the train at a city and re-board another to my final destination. The simple "yes, you can" was followed by "would you like to buy your ticket from me, since you're already here?" I said "Why, that's so considerate of you." Jerkface was going to charge me 25 euros for a ticket that would have cost 18 at the machines. Good thing I did my homework. I called him out on it and said that it was a "convenience fee." Pssht. Convenient my butt. I had to wait in line for you to treat me like an ignorant imbecile. I politely said "I've changed my mind" and went out to the machines.


Do you have a question about your internet service/phone service? Do you want to call a cab? Would you like to see if your train is on time? Please call this number, and we will be glad to charge you 14 cents/minute while you listen to elevator music until our next available representative is available to help you out. Your call is important to us, because we're squeezing you of your children's inheritance.


I guess I'm just too cheap and too American to appreciate the German "do it yourself, dummy" attitude. Until I finally succumb or fly back to the new world, I will constantly keep up my guard, avoid any semblance of consideration, carry around my bottle of water, and make sure to say "no, thank you" as often as possible.